“That’s your question? It isn’t a very good one.”
“I’ve been standing here for what feels like an eternity-”
“Well, that’s actually pretty close…”
“I’ve been standing here trying to choose something huge and important. The meaning of life, or why there’s evil in the world. ‘Why do we have to die?’ maybe. Or ‘why do kids in Africa starve to death while some in America get Bentleys?’
“But it will make no difference what I ask, really. I’ll just feel dissatisfied with the answer and wish I’d gone with something else. So I’ll go with something simple. Nachos or popcorn?”
“Don’t kid yourself. And don’t try to kid me, either. You should guess at how fruitless that endeavor’ll turn out to be. You want me to ask when I’d be enjoying one of these respective mass-market snacks, and you want to launch into your invective, want to tear me a new one.
“It’s why you’re here, so don’t be afraid to be upfront. Don’t pretend to hide behind an easy question. Ask what you really want to ask. Please.”
“What I really want to ask… is nachos. Or. Popcorn?”
“…
“What do you mean?”
“Well, we head to the movies and we eat one of two things. Nachos, and popcorn. Something to keep us distracted, to keep us happy and fed while we just let the action, or drama, or romance unfold in front of us. If there are two types of people in the world, then there are those that choose popcorn, and those that go with nachos. I want to know which side you’re on.”
“But I don’t go to the movies.”
“Really? Well it sure fucking feels like you do. I admit, you had a good long stretch there where you actually got out into the world and did things. Made people, and killed people, and got ‘em swallowed by whales for cheap yuks. But nowadays it seems like you’re just up there, looking down, and stuffing your face while we suffer
“And, really, you’ve gotta be snacking. Because you’d need the distraction. The amount of pain, and death, and suffering, and hunger, and war, and poverty, and starvation and every other shit little thing about being alive that you get to see from your seat up there… It all has to be enough to drive even you to look away for a few seconds and grab something bad for you cholestorol.
“Hell, even just the shitty pop music would drive me to that kind of distraction.
“So when that happens — because it must happen — what do you go with?”
“You think I could favor one food product over another and the representatives down where you live would let that slide? You don’t think Orville Redenbacher would hesitate for even a second before putting up billboards proclaiming his popcorn as God’s favourite food?
“No, you don’t care about that. This is all about my indifference, right? You think I’m letting the planet go to crap so I can sit up here and get my rocks off watching the people I made kill each other in greater and greater numbers.
“You know, time was I would’ve answered your question. Just picked one over the other for the fun of it. You talked about me like you knew me a few minutes ago, so I can only assume you’ve read the Bible. All that stuff in the first few books? That kind of shit is what happens when I pick sides. When I choose the popcorn or the nachos. I kill Egyptians to save Jews, I destroy Jericho for my children, and I even drown the world to try and get rid of all the evil in it. And nothing works.
“One time I brought a guy like you up here and he wasn’t such an asshole. No snack-related queries from him, just an old trope from Sunday School. ‘Could God make a rock so heavy even he couldn’t lift it?’ It’s a classic.
“You know what? I fucking did. I made the world and it all went wrong, and I can’t seem to do anything to put it right. Sometimes I even make it worse. I sent my only Son down to cleanse humanity, and the only things you guys got from that were more excuses to hate each other.
“So I don’t need your judgement, and your stupid little question. I don’t have time for nachos or popcorn or hot dogs or soda. I don’t have time for distractions, or appeasements. I don’t have time for anything except watching it all unfold, watching each day become slightly more horrifying than the last, and hoping that tomorrow gets a little better. Or I figure out a way to fix things.
“And as you can see from this stupid, pointless conversation with you, I haven’t stumbled onto any answers yet. Although maybe it would help if one of you fuckers ever asked a half-decent question.”
“…
“I’m popcorn. Can’t stand nachos.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
